A little existential mind-boggling rhetorical question about fighting the filth that I can't stop as opposed to playing a waste-of-time do-nothing game on the computer? Games, games and puzzles to waste time spent otherwise wasting time doing things necessary. Which is more important? Having enjoyment playing games, or fighting an impossible battle to clean or heal my body all the problems coming from the same insidious source, and the attacks never end. Is playing for hours at a game that will produce nothing but a sense of accomplishment to get little bright squares into patterns more important than fighting to heal and clean all the time?

 I am wasting my time on a game--something I downloaded from the Microsoft store. I have even spent money on that game, against all my preconditioning. I fell into the trap the programmer set making the game extend into a realm of impossibility unless I spent money to buy the little trinkets that are necessary to unravel the puzzles. The game is a "build" game where you build a theme park. I have spent so much time on the game because it is calming, doing something analytical because I lack anything to actually DO in life that immerses me in abstract mesmerizing processes of intricate thinking at a level of calculation. It is why sometimes something like doing math can be soothing if you are not stressing your mind on the calculations. Something that fits in place, that you know can be won and is contained in a colorful box of moving pieces--fascinating, immersion into a world of movement and award and frustration because the algorithm is intended to force you to have to pay to continue unless you fight impossibilities that the programmers injected into the game.

I have told myself NOT to get into doing this for hours, but it is stress relieving. I would be spending time doing real things but all I work on is inevitably stolen or I am teleported and asked endless questions so someone else can use the idea or what I am working on for their own output--after they steal the idea, they do something to destroy me, my work, my body my home or my mind/spirit/sexualit/soul.

So I play this game. it does nothing but really waste time I could be doing other things like the endless cleaning and healing regimes that are necessary to deal with these attacks that are non-stop upon me. I thought I would not get into the terrorist aspect within this post but that, too, is inevitable there is no way to get around the topic when I begin to delve into my daily routine, which is so haphazard and so irregular.

It is too hard to pound down on this keyboard and fight past the hacking at this point. It is very late, getting into morning I do not want to sleep I want to be awake and peruse the internet. These are things I have told myself are very bad habits, and yet I continue to go on doing these waste-of-time things instead of doing the healing activities, and then there is the endless cleaning of the stinking filth that I am faced with that I never created in this room, that I must fight to clean with all the pain in my body they also forced through their poisoning. They forced the amount of cleaning to become impossible to ever finish. Once I clean something, they spray or pour disgusting filth on it again so the problem is always there--the stinking filth is always there no matter if I clean it once or never clean it or clean it as often as possible. Immediately they use the mechanical arms to make everything filthy once I clean it, or they pour all the filth on what I have cleaned once I am well enough to go out and leave this room.

Is playing a game rather than doing endless healing and cleaning activities a waste of time if it negates all the negativity that these creepazoids are forcing upon me?